Saturday, June 30, 2007

im back.

it has been quite a while since i have blogged. i deleted my blog last fall. i never thought i would get back on. i had decided to seal off that part of my life. it is through old wounds that i have been brought back. i stumbled across a saved link on my computer that took me down memory lane... past blogs full of memories of me... present ones full of all new experiences foreign to me. some might say "salt on the wound". those some would be right. hypothetically and literally it is the exact same. when you have a cut, although it hurts for salt water to get on the wound at first, it eventually heals it. the same is with emotional wounds. at first the salt hurts so bad you begin to think the wound is submerged in the atlantic. in the end, it is the salt that heals and helps us move on. sometimes it is necessary for us to feel pain before we can feel peace.

Jesus. heal my wounds. be the salt in my cuts. make all things new.


seeing you there, one more time.... and going back
it’s like seeing you there for the first time
see i have to leave, some things in life just have to be.
-The Rocket Summer (thats what she said)

this is what started this blog. this is an ending. but also a beginning. a realization. this is for the people who loved me when it was hardest.

in the past 3 weeks, i have had an epiphany. my life came to a screeching hault, took a sharp 45 degree angle and took me to a place i have never known.... kinda like neverland, but without peter pan and the mermaids. my neverland is filled with unconditional love, grace and light. there is no darkness because the light washes it out. everything is brought into view and we face the facts. in the past year of my life, i have seen rock bottom and lay lifeless on its cold, hard floor. everyone would always tell me that i had to trust Jesus and that everything would get better. speaking from personal experience, you can know something in your head, but that doesnt matter unless you know it in your heart. Knowing and believing are two different things. the head knows, the heart believes. i knew the things that people would tell me, but i couldnt make myself believe. the good was not conquering the evil. i felt like the whole world was against me. i thought i was alone and no one understood. (thank you Jerri. you broke me of that. you are the story of hope & survival that saved me from destruction) how selfish of me to think that i was the only one who was struggling with something? all of our energy goes into what our attention is on. when you are focused and entralled with loving and serving others, you forget about your own affairs. i am the most unhappy when i am focused on myself. i am self-destructive in my thinking, as well as pesimistic. focus on others. love them. bless them. invest in their lives. have meaningful conversations. build amazing relationships. (thank you care for allowing me to do that in the past few weeks. you woke me up and gave me something to devote my attention to. i am brave because of you. i love you :)

i now know why i have not been able to find true happiness in the past months. i built my happiness on sand, instead of rock. one of the things i value most are relationships with people. i love helping people and caring for them. B you were right...sometimes i care so much it hurts. i came to the realization a few weeks ago that i build my happiness on those relationships.... whether they are going well, etc. relationships are fleeting. they are not perfect. they will fail you every once in a while. i fought my sister tooth & nail on this. it was so hard for me to accept the fact that relationships come and go. in the end, she was right.... like always. its trial and error. its a learning process. they were not meant to be fulfilling. they have gliches. they leave us wanting more.... a relationship that is flawless. our relationship with Christ. if our earthly relationships were perfectly fulfilling, we would have no desire for a relationship with Christ. it really is a beautiful thing. if we expect perfection from anyone other than Christ, we will surely be disappointed. i am so sorry that i failed all of you in expecting perfection.

all of you know that i hate change. i like for everything to be how ive always known it. i am so thoughtful and sentimental. Our strengths can be the death of us if we let them. our greatest triumps can be our biggest downfalls. (thank you jacob for genuine, REAL conversations. i treasure them more than you know) i have a hard time letting go. i dont deal well with loss. its hard for me. and heaven forbid everything not be handed to me on a silver platter. this past april & may hit me hard. it was full of overwhelming, life altering degrees of change. people i have grown up with my entire life were all going separate ways, my friends from school were graduating and moving away, two of my best friends were working far away at camps all summer (beansy & b, i miss yall so much!)...... there goes routine. there goes relationships. i couldnt help but dread these events, thinking they were going to break me in two. i was haunted by the thought "but this isnt how it was supposed to be". i should be graduating. i should be helping jay move to columbia. i should be in New York doing an internship. i could not shake the fact that this wasnt the plan. MY plan. this was wrong. and it was my fault. it was everyone elses fault. it was a constant battle for answers. why did i ruin a relationship with a boy who wouldve walked to california & back if it wouldve made me happy... why did i push everyone away... why didnt i want to help myself.... why wont everyone leave me alone.... why am i so unhappy. luckily i survived. i couldnt survive alone. it came to a point where i had a choice to make..... if i wanted to live, i had to surrender. i was so tired of running. i dont even know what i was running from... running to. i learned that relationships are fleeting. they are blessings, but people will come and go. God is constant. change is inevitable. embrace it. focus on the people who are presently there. invest in those relationships. i think i just preached what my amazing friend Lauren Michelle Gossett preached to me just a few weeks ago. i am hard headed and stubborn and so far from submissive. so it took a little while for me to embrace what she said. when i finally did though... an overwhelming sense of peace came with it. if we dont let go, we forget to live. we have to keep living. kate never lets me forget that. keep going. dont let it bother you. keep going.

i am so blessed. and so loved. and so undeserving.

spending time enthralled in God's word everyday will turn your world upside down, shake it like a snowglobe, and watch it all fall into place... so gracefully and perfect.

here is an excerpt from a blog written by the founder of To Write Love On Her Arms. you can check it out at

lately i have been reminded that He is with me, that I am not alone in these moments, that He is there in the mornings when the storms come through, and He is there in the night when I cannot sleep. He is there in the day when my eyes fill with tears.

A beautiful way that all of this comes to life is through community. It is not simply me alone with God, but I am finding love and support, hours of encouragement and conversation, in a community of people who see the world through this same lens that I do, this idea of a bigger picture, a redemption story being written since the dawn of time.

We were not meant to be alone. We were meant to live in community. We were meant to walk with people, to be known, to be challenged, to be held accountable, to be loved and encouraged. We see God's love expressed in all of this.

Making room in my heart for things to grow and bloom and breathe, and then fighting to protect it. Choosing a life of community, where I am loving and loved, knowing and known. Fighting for change... If there is breath in my lungs, then I am asked to love God and love people. And all that I can know for sure is that I do not go alone, that God is with me, that He loves me, and that He is in control.

this last part is from Rob Bell....

Life is not predictable. We do not have control. We try to put people in boxes. We try to fit people into our plans, the way we think things should look. We want guarantees.

God only gives us enough for today.

There is much we can't control. There are some things we can control.

You can't control what breaks, but you can control the kind of person you're becoming. Hard hearts that transform into hearts that beat for the things that God's heart beats for.

We control our response.

It is easy to say, "Life could have been so much easier... Life could have been so much better." We look back and see a straighter path, but the truth is that we are shaped in the places where our path twists and turns. We are shaped in the long journey. There are no guarantees from God, except that He will go with us.

All we get is today. God is with us on this journey. Always.

Let go.

thank you. all of you. for helping me get to this point of beautiful realization. i never wouldve made it if it were not for yall to tell me to get out of bed every morning, remind me that i am not alone, and love me when i was unlovable. thank you kate, jess, amber & grier for the constant laughter that fills 515. you gave me the best gift ever.... happiness i could not escape. i have the most amazing friends and family in the entire world :)

Lyndsey Adams (notes), Jacob Morrison (notes), Katie Holcombe (notes), Blake Butler (notes), Lauren Gossett (notes), Jay Hendricks (notes), Beau Bailey (notes), Michael Bailey (notes), Jessica Head (notes), Grier Parrott (notes), Jessica Wilks (notes), Lindsey Jefferies (notes), Meredith Neely (notes), Amber Beam (notes), Kristi Gilstrap Clements (notes), Jerri Smith Davison (notes), Chris Davison (notes), Julia Wood (notes), Lindsey Smith (notes), Carrie Stokes (notes), Jenny Korb (notes), Rebecca Rentz Pollett (notes), Erin Culhan (notes), Rachel Rentz (notes), Will Grubbs (notes), Joshua Garrett (notes), Grant Reeves (notes), Brandon Clements (notes), Trey Rollins (notes), Ryan Ball (notes)