Wednesday, January 30, 2008

look at the stars, look how they shine for you.

1. rob bell... the day you wrote SexGod is the day you screwed with my head.
2. thank you for it.
3. being brave isnt all it is cracked up to be.
4. listen to Crash by DMB. it seems diff to me now that im not in 8th grade.
5. even in design, be true to who you are.

stars already have a great significance to me.
then i heard this david crowder song today.
and wept like a small child.
what in the world is this week becoming?!

you should see the stars tonight
how they shimmer shine so bright
against the black they look so white
comin down from such a height
to reach me now, you reach me now

you should see the moon in the flight
cuttin cross the misty night
softly dancin in sunshine
reflections of this light
reach me now, you reach me now

and how could such a thing
shine its light on me
and make everything beautiful again

and you should feel the sun in the spring
comin out after a rain
suddenly all is green
sunshine on everything
i can feel it now, i feel you now

and how could such a thing
shine its light on me
and make everything beautiful

and you should hear the angels sing
all gathered round their king
more beautiful than you could dream
ive been quietly listening
you can hear em now, i hear em now

and how could such a king
shine His light on me
and make everything beautiful
and i wanna shine
i wanna be light
i wanna tell you itll be alright
and i wanna shine and i wanna fly
just to tell you now
itll be alright, itll be alright
itll be alright.

cause i got nothing of my own to give to you
but this light that shines on me shines on you
and makes everything beautiful, again.
itll be alright, itll be alright.


Wednesday, January 23, 2008

alice in wonderland

people always say, "opportunites come far and few". however, just because opportunites come about, doesn't mean they are for us. i believe that we should pursue every opportunity in front of us. some will end up being life changing, while others will get passed up, never given a second thought. what matters is that you take the chance. follow it until you cant go any further. i was asked to go with a team to Uganada to work at an orphanage. all i have wanted to do for the past 5 years is go to Africa. i committed to go in July 08. the orphanage now is requesting that only a small group of 6 come. that number would not include me because there were about 6 students who got the team together. they would have priority to go. even if i dont end up getting to go, atleast i fought for it. prayed for it. supported it. committed. decided to change the world. developed a love for children i had only seen pictures of, but never even met. I have been blessed with the opportunity to go to guatemala, not once, but twice. i have committed to go again in december for my third trip. sometimes you've just got to pee in the wind. (grier. stop laughing at me.) i was given the chance to work at an orphanage this coming summer. i could pick to go to guatemala, honduras, or russia. i had decided to go to russia and contacted the lady and everything. i then found out i had to pay $3,000 to do it and abandon moving to Charleston to work with an amazing photographer that I have an interview with in a few weeks. i am glad i looked into it and developed a passion for it, but there comes this point where you know if it is right for you or not. i have a peace about not going. it opened my eyes to the different opportunities that are avaliable to me, waiting to be taken. for me to close my eyes, hold my breath and jump. i am really glad that i completely abandoned my comfort zone and contacted this brilliant photographer in charleston. i figured i would never hear back from her, but what is the harm in trying. to think that if i had not contacted her at all. i really would've missed the boat.

last week i was at barnes & noble and ran into a guy who i went to college with. he now teaches digital photography at a local high school in powdersville. we got to talking about graphic design and he asked me to come and speak to his photography class and show them my work. i was extrememly flattered and excited. who wouldve ever thought i would get to go talk to a group of high schoolers about my photography....

take chances.
seize the day.
live for what you love.
money doesn't buy happiness. (ask me about the summer i spent in nashville).

"be who you are," said the Duchess to Alice, "or, if you would like it put more simply, never try to be what you might have been or could have been other than what you should have been."
-Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

blame it on this southern weather.

anything can happen on a snow day. as a kid it was my favorite thing ever year. i would sit in front of the tv watching the weather channel for hours. eyes glued to the screen, noting Jim Cantori's every move, hanging onto every word, like icicles clinging to tree limbs. i was (and still am) the most optimistic snow day person there ever was. my mom and my best friend katie reign as the two most pessimistic. the weather man could've told me that it was going to rain cows and i would've believed him. i wanted to be a weather girl growing up, but then i realized that i hated science. i had a drill, a routine to prepare for a blizzard (since we get those allll the time here right?). i would set out my ski bibs, boots, socks, scarf, hat, jacket, gloves (the waterproof hardcore kind, for the purpose of snowball fight of course). my entire plan was deviated with the intentions of waking up at the butt crack of dawn, doning my snow gear, and looking out the window to see a white blanket draped over my neighborhood. the worst mornings consisted of nothing but rain puddles in my backyard and clear streets. nothing is better than school cancellations. i can remember sitting in front of the tv watching the closings scroll accross the bottom of the screen. i developed a bitterness towards heyward & madison counties in western north carolina, barely over the state line. they always got out of school and got more snow. i used to say they stole greenville's snow because they would get it all and we would be left with front yards of nothing bu dead grass to wake up to.

snow days are still a big deal to me. even though i dont play outside all day, only stopping to eat lunch and dinner, it's still a somewhat magical day. everything and everyone stops. it reminds me of being in a snowglobe. secluded from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. people dont go to work, businesses and schools close down, we are confined to our houses and surrounding streets. we get to flee from the real world for one day. it's as if it goes to sleep or keeps its distance from us. even if just for a day. we can sleep and watch movies and go outside in the snow. it's quite outside and all that can be heard is the laughter belonging to children on sleds. this will be my last snow day in college. its a tradition that we play outside and take pictures. the boys pelt us with snowballs that leave bruises that will be present for days. our noses resemble rudpolphs and our hands turn a purplish-blue.

the evening before a possible snow day is almost like Christmas for the South. we scurry to the store, stocking up on bread and milk (also known as pizza bites & coke). the result will most likely be a "dusting" as the weather man likes to call it. i hate that word. it's painful, almost evil in a sense. it robs children of joy and hope. stupid dustings. we will be lucky to gain an inch. im pretty sure our school wouldnt close if it was on fire.

there are no guarantees. no promises. just uncertainties and possibilities. we just hope and believe that maybe just once they weather man will get it right. sometimes i think we want to believe something so bad, we'll believe a lie, if it makes us happy, even for just a minute. im glad that God is not like the weatherman, robbing children of joy and giving false-hope, that often leads to a let-down. I never have to wonder if He will pull through or if He is right. He is a guarantee. 100%. wouldnt that suck to wake up every morning & wonder if what God told us was the truth or a lie? if we could trust Him and depend on His words? God is not the weatherman, and for that i am thankful.

this is my last snow day in college. i would like one, just one more. a day spent on the front lawn taking pictures and having snowball fights. piling into someone's den and watching movies while wrapped up in blankets upon blankets. pajamas and slippers. coffee and junk food. sometimes it's fun to be 6 years old again & hopeing for a snow day. if we got snow all of the time, like the people up North, we wouldnt appreciate it like we do. those people take it for granted and dont know how lucky they are.

for tonight though, all that hangs in the air is anticipation.

Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder, Where its all white as snow. Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed.
-red hot chillipeppers

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

i stumbled across pictures on flickr when i searched "Africa". the pictures were of women and children. more specifically, the pictures were of prostitutes and their children. some of the pictures were of orphans who have survived the civil war in Rwanda. these pictures do two things to me: at first look they break my heart into a million pieces. when i look further i see hope and a desire for a better life... a desire to be loved, to fall asleep to anything but the sound of machine guns, to know what peace is and hold onto it for dear life. i have a passion for the people of Africa and it continues to grow everyday. i will go to Africa. I will hug the children of Rwanda. clothe the people of Sierra Lione. look into the eyes of the hurting in Uganda. i will tell them Jesus loves them and so do i. i will wash bare feet and give them shoes.

When Mother Theresa was asked about what it was like to live in poverty and love the lepers of calcutta, she answered with three simple words: "come and see". i believe that we were made to go and see. when Christ said to go out into the world to serve and love people, He meant it. we read and do not act. we talk with great passion, but we sit idle. i want to be different. i want to be revolutionary.

this was written on the walls of an orphanage in Uganda...

"but you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's own people that you may declare the wonderful deeds of Him who called you out of dark."

these are the faces of the hurting. these are the faces of the prostitutes and orphans. these are the faces of Christ.

when i look at these pictures, i no longer see pain and agony. my heart no longer breaks. it continues to beat with a passion to love these people. when i look at these pictures i see beautiful faces, their eyes searching for hope and rescue.

these are the faces of Africa.

she is beautiful.

if you look closely, you can see JESUS written on the wall.

2700 people die every day in Africa from malaria. that's 2 deaths per minute.

He washed us white as snow.

she smiles, even without great reason.

eyes that have seen darkness.

clinging to the only thing they have left: each other.

knees to the earth.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

give me eyes to see.

don't you love the days before classes start. the ones with no work, responsibility, obligation. the nights that arent filled with no sleep & stress that brings you to scream or cry or maybe even both. when everyone comes back & we get to hang out & live here, but not have to actually have lives. i love that. i wish college was that. doesnt everyone though? when life seems simple and we dont have to be grown up for just a few days. my first couple days back here have consisted of sleeping more than i can remember sleeping in a year. doing laundry. unpacking. grocery shopping. i like these things. actually, i love these things. i am pretty sure that makes me far from normal, but then again ive never claimed to be normal.

i work with 2 pregnant women & maybe i am having sympathy cravings or something, but i crave the most random things at random times. last night we had a family dinner. an anderson family dinner. the people i love most and would consider my family away from home. we all go to 515 and cook dinner and sit around the dining room table and eat. jess ate salmon. the boys at steak. there was a macaroni and potatoes and salad. i ate bologna. i havent eaten it in years. but i was craving it. bologna and root beer (in a glass bottle of course. go IBC or go home). the day before it was gingerbread cookies. today it is vanilla coke. i woke up this morning & put on greys anatomy on dvd and curled up in my oh so comfy reading chair (you know, like the chairs at barnes & noble. the super comfy ones that you literally sit and wait for an hour for someone to give theirs up and it never happens. you end up just becoming a tiger stalking its prey like parking spots at the mall during christmas or tables in crowded restaurants on a friday night out.) its the best chair ever. barnes & noble is probably jealous of my chair actually.

last night i swept and mopped the kitchen floor before i went to bed. before dinner i dusted my room. this morning i finished my laundry. and i always wash the dishes before i put them in the dishwasher. i have learned that i like my quirks. im just happy to be here :)

fresh starts are always good. the new year. the beginning. another chance to screw it all up again or do it differently. it doesnt erase the past, but it sure does put it further behind you. distance. it isnt always a bad thing. cleaning out even. emptying drawers and sorting through papers and pictures compiled from the past year. sometimes it's even a wake up call. you realize why you did the things you did, felt the ways you felt, said the things you said. sometimes you repress things & you cant even remember how all of this got started. it snowballed and the start of it all is nonexistent to memory. then you remember that something bad happened. and it caused you to question. you realized what you had come to love wasnt real. and it took that awful moment to wake you up. without that moment. those few horrible days. would you really have ever seen it? ever woken up? realized it wasnt real? that this wasnt it after all. i like to think, to believe, that it was orchestrated perfectly to save you. to wake us up. no one likes to be woken up. no one hates it more than me. you're sleeping and everything is peaceful and then something startles you and ruins your perfect dreams. sometimes it actually opens your eyes and saves your life though. im okay with that. i like my slippers because of it. dusk if my favorite time of day because of it. it is the reason i laugh more than ever. i get out of bed every morning because of it. i dont think i wouldve realized any of this without moving here, to the 309.

i think my favorite thing about God is when i can't fathom Him. when He is so perfect. so endless. so much smarter & bigger than anything i have ever seen or imagined. i think if i ever got to the point where i could, it wouldnt turn my world upside down anymore. it wouldnt leave me sitting in amazement at his love, grace, and beauty.

this morning, Wilksy sent me a picture of what she woke up to this morning. snow. everywhere. you couldnt even see Pikes Peak from her window anymore. she has been in Colorado since the new years eve visiting nick in colorado springs. i miss her. i get to see her in a few days, and that makes me so so so happy. she got to see snow. tons of it. and that also makes me happy. im glad someone is getting to see some :) i'd like to go to colorado. i would like that a lot. and jackson hole, wyoming of course. then seattle and oregon. id like that. maybe one day. for now i will stay in anderson for one last semester and i will love and savor every moment of it.

its good to be back :)

I'm addicted, I'm needy,
I'm lost without you
I need you, I need you

Amazing grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

i just wanna see.

-the almost

Thursday, January 3, 2008

85 years old.

i am turning into a grandma. ready to go to bed at 11. cant survive a day without coffee in one hand & the New York Times in the other. watch Greys Anatomy on dvd before bed every night. looking for a job. applying for intenships. deciding what to do with my life 4 months from now when i graduate. balancing my checkbook for the first time since the day i moved to college. paying the cable bill. walking the dog. cleaning up Emmy's throw up. putting together a portfolio. typing up my resume. growing up. moving to charleston? moving nonetheless. i dont have anything to say except actions have consequences.

Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beats the hell out of never trying. -grey's anatomy