Thursday, November 15, 2007


today i want to....

live in colorado.....or jackson hole, wyoming.
sit in a room with a fire going in the fireplace... no gas logs. i want to smell burning wood.
buy everything in the jcrew catalog.
curl up in a sea of blankets & watch Greys & the office on dvd for hours.
eat cinnamon toast crunch cereal.
watch dora with ella & emmy.
see Oregon and it's beauty that Mat describes to me.
cook breakfast.
vacation in a thatch roof stone cottage in the english countryside.
spend the day in NYC with tanner.
take pictures of the beautiful leaves.
pack my bags and spend the rest of the week on my family's farm.
savor & remember every moment had at 515 with my 3 best friends.
drink a ridiculous amount of coffee.
wear cowboy boots.
take a trip to seattle... just so i can have a reason to wear wellies everyday.
drive down midway road with the heat on and the windows down..... (its a 2 lane backroad in anderson with farms and it is the most beautiful sight in autumn.
run into you today. and know that it is you.
spend hours in barnes & noble with cul.
be reminded of how thankful i am.

and thats just what i want to do today.

much better to pass into that other world, in the full glory of the passions that you found here, than to fade and wither with age from watching the flickering light dim in the eyes of the living. all of life's secrets are in Your branches
-rocky votolato

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

leaving neverland.

This past month i have followed the leaves. It has been one of change. I have come to realize that if we will just sit still and listen, new things will be revealed to us. We learn not to move through life so blindly. so quickly. ready for everything at once. A lot of times i think we suffer from tunnel vision. we set our eyes on something.... graduation. spring break. getting engaged. getting a job. plans for the weekend. moving away... and everything that surrounds it becomes blurry. we only see what is ahead, ignoring what is here and now. we focus on what we do not have, instead of what we do. we count our losses and dismiss our blessings. embrace the present because before you can blink today will be nothing more than fleeting memories and images captured on film. i've learned to savor everything in life. to pick and choose your battles. that drama is petty & self absorbing. you should laugh as much as you can. love people genuinely and intentionally. whatever seems like a big deal, probably isnt a big deal at all. let it go. Through all of these things, I have learned that my fear was actually my purpose. I was so scared of losing myself. of not knowing who i was anymore. changing so much that i didnt even recognize the girl in the mirror. scared of forgetting. of letting go. When in the end, that was what was supposed to happen all along. I had to lose myself to get where i am now. to see things in a different light. to appreciate the simple things in life and not stress out so much. i had to lose the person i was to become the person i was intended to be. i went through hell and back, holding onto myself for dear life, even when i could feel my identity being pryed from my fingers. i wouldnt let go. it was until i realized that my identity was not in other people, it was in Christ, was i able to let it go and loose myself. it left me laying lifeless and scared. little by little i started to see things differently. react differently. love differently. serve people out of love, instead of obligation. actually start living with a purpose and a passion. My fear was my purpose.

i love genuine, real conversations. i absolutely hate small talk. i think everyone secretly does. there is nothing behind it. no interest, only manners. we do it out of unconcious habit because that's what our momma's taught us growing up. when you see someone you know, you speak to them. it's rude not to. i think it is almost just as rude to be uninterested in other people's questions and answers. don't ask how school is if you dont really want to know. be intentional. that is one of my favorite things about G, she is intentional with EVERYTHING she does. when we were talking about this the other day, she was saying that no matter if she is loving or mean, atleast she is intentional in doing it. i love that about her. i respect that. she is real. i have decided that deep conversations are amazing at times... but honestly, i would rather be laughing. i used to envy my best friend kate so much because she was never serious. she could laugh about everything. let anything just roll off her shoulder. not worry about it. or take it to serious. she never overracted. she has always been someone with such a carefree spirit, full of laughter and life. virgil spends 99% of the time full of laughter. that is why i love surrounding myself with her. she knows how to love life. she loves people. it is so evident and i think it is beautiful.

i like to play games a lot. and i usually make virgil play them with me. and she is such a good sport about it and loves me enough to simply smile and oblige :) tonight at dinner we named our favorite smells. when i was thinking about mine, all of them are rooted in memories. the smell of my grandfather's after shave when it's still fresh on his cheeks.... gasoline from the boat at the lake... leaves burning on a night in november.... pumpkin spice candles let me know it's thanksgiving.... coffee brewing in my grandparents' kitchen every morning since i can remember.... christmas trees because that is the best time of year by far.... my mom's favorite spiced chestnut lotion & soap from williams sonoma.... lake water weighted with memories of summers with mama & papa... pipes that my poppa's friend, Marion Weatherford, used to smoke when i was a kid.... my sister's distinct smell reminds me of missing her when she was gone. in Nashville, in LA, in TX. she always smells the exact same. i found that smell wrapped in a blanket my freshman year of college while laying on my bedroom floor the day after she left for cali. that smell is home to me.

if i didnt have beansy to keep me grounded and accountable, i dont think i would survive each day. i am not the best listener in the world, but she is. she is always there to listen to the good, the bad, the new, the old. she keeps me on track. focused and optimistic. she even lets me listen to Christmas music in the middle of the night in October while road tripping to knoxville :) she is always there. no matter what. if i could take one thing with me when i graduate, it would be her :)

im ready to grow up.

i realized this when i was standing in the middle of the kitchen section at bed, bath, & beyond. i wanted to buy this big wooden salad bowl. or maybe i realized i wanted to grow up when i decided that i wanted high thread count sheets for Christmas. or when i was obsessing over Real Simple magazine because it made me want to decorate my house for the holidays and have a dinner party. or maybe it is just because my favorite thing to do now is wake up at 9 every morning, put on my lambs wool slippers, make a pot of coffee, and walk the dog in my flannel pajama pants, leash in one hand, mug in the other. i think i have hit that point in my life.... when i realize it's ok to move on. when maybe it's just time. i am okay with graduating. i have a peace about it... just like i did when i moved out of 515. sometimes it's just time. resisting it, instead of submitting to it, won't make our lives anything but more difficult. i'm ready.

farewell neverland.

it's okay to be fearful. people dont tell you that. but it is okay. everyone gets scared. if we didnt get scared, we would never search for answers. fear leads to doubting which teaches us to trust and strengthens our faith. lets us know it's going to be okay. He grabs me by the hand & promises He'll never let go. and for the first time in a long time, maybe ever, i believe Him. I really do. fear led me to believe. darkness led me to light. questioning led me to truth. complete surrender led me here.

peace & love.

don't release me until it's over. you cant believe without fear. -manchester orchestra

Sunday, November 4, 2007

if you say no, then no it will be.


i almost feel strange coming back to this because ive been gone for so long. life has been busy. really busy. tons of weddings and engagements and football games and work. i dont really know where to begin. or what to say. so im just going to talk about things that are on my mind right now in the hopes that i will forget them by the end of this.

the dreaded question for me is "what are you going to do in may when you graduate?"
all i can answer with is, "i dont want to be a graphic designer". which is the shorter version of "i dont want to do what has owned my life for the past 3 years. what i changed my major to sophmore year of college. what ive stayed an extra year of college for. what ive lost sleep over. what ive stressed out and cried over. i dont want to do that anymore. it's all been a waste of my time. that sucks to say and to hear. its truth though. when you lose passion for something, it is torturous (is that a word?) to have to do it. it takes all of you to sit down and spend hours working on your next project. maybe it's teaching me discipline. i dont know. where will i be in may? where will i move to? wherever i go, will it be with the best intentions?

the other night, my housemate meagan and i went to dinner. somehow we got on the subject of our best and worst qualities. ive never thought about this before, but im glad it came up. i think when we idnetify and admit to our weaknesses, we are more aware of them. i am very careful now not to fall prey to the three tendencies that are just heartless.

best: considerate. thoughtful. compassionate.
worst: unsympathetic. self-absorbed. spiteful.

that is a hard confession. an ugly one at that. but i am all 6 of those.

moving on.
i think that one of my favorite things ever is getting to spend time with my best friend kate. i love it. she is constant and never changes. still funny. still wierd. still messy. still very type B. i love her. and spending time with her is one of the simple things in life that makes me so glad to be here. 2 weekends from today she will move to Columbia and it will be the first time since we met in 6th grade that we will live in separate cities. i am happy for her though :)

things that stress me out lately:
health insurance. getting a paycheck just so i can pay for food & gas. graphic design. internship. what the crap im going to do with my life. raising enough support for guatemala. football (3 losses in a row after being in the top 10).

wilksy: i miss you :) and i am so ready for you to be done with school so we can spend our time watching the OC on dvd and reading the "newspaper" together while we drink coffee.

im spent. and not all here today. next blog will be more profound hopefully. love.

take a leaf of paper and draw your mind. -machester orchestra