don't you love the days before classes start. the ones with no work, responsibility, obligation. the nights that arent filled with no sleep & stress that brings you to scream or cry or maybe even both. when everyone comes back & we get to hang out & live here, but not have to actually have lives. i love that. i wish college was that. doesnt everyone though? when life seems simple and we dont have to be grown up for just a few days. my first couple days back here have consisted of sleeping more than i can remember sleeping in a year. doing laundry. unpacking. grocery shopping. i like these things. actually, i love these things. i am pretty sure that makes me far from normal, but then again ive never claimed to be normal.
i work with 2 pregnant women & maybe i am having sympathy cravings or something, but i crave the most random things at random times. last night we had a family dinner. an anderson family dinner. the people i love most and would consider my family away from home. we all go to 515 and cook dinner and sit around the dining room table and eat. jess ate salmon. the boys at steak. there was a macaroni and potatoes and salad. i ate bologna. i havent eaten it in years. but i was craving it. bologna and root beer (in a glass bottle of course. go IBC or go home). the day before it was gingerbread cookies. today it is vanilla coke. i woke up this morning & put on greys anatomy on dvd and curled up in my oh so comfy reading chair (you know, like the chairs at barnes & noble. the super comfy ones that you literally sit and wait for an hour for someone to give theirs up and it never happens. you end up just becoming a tiger stalking its prey like parking spots at the mall during christmas or tables in crowded restaurants on a friday night out.) its the best chair ever. barnes & noble is probably jealous of my chair actually.
last night i swept and mopped the kitchen floor before i went to bed. before dinner i dusted my room. this morning i finished my laundry. and i always wash the dishes before i put them in the dishwasher. i have learned that i like my quirks. im just happy to be here :)
fresh starts are always good. the new year. the beginning. another chance to screw it all up again or do it differently. it doesnt erase the past, but it sure does put it further behind you. distance. it isnt always a bad thing. cleaning out even. emptying drawers and sorting through papers and pictures compiled from the past year. sometimes it's even a wake up call. you realize why you did the things you did, felt the ways you felt, said the things you said. sometimes you repress things & you cant even remember how all of this got started. it snowballed and the start of it all is nonexistent to memory. then you remember that something bad happened. and it caused you to question. you realized what you had come to love wasnt real. and it took that awful moment to wake you up. without that moment. those few horrible days. would you really have ever seen it? ever woken up? realized it wasnt real? that this wasnt it after all. i like to think, to believe, that it was orchestrated perfectly to save you. to wake us up. no one likes to be woken up. no one hates it more than me. you're sleeping and everything is peaceful and then something startles you and ruins your perfect dreams. sometimes it actually opens your eyes and saves your life though. im okay with that. i like my slippers because of it. dusk if my favorite time of day because of it. it is the reason i laugh more than ever. i get out of bed every morning because of it. i dont think i wouldve realized any of this without moving here, to the 309.
i think my favorite thing about God is when i can't fathom Him. when He is so perfect. so endless. so much smarter & bigger than anything i have ever seen or imagined. i think if i ever got to the point where i could, it wouldnt turn my world upside down anymore. it wouldnt leave me sitting in amazement at his love, grace, and beauty.
this morning, Wilksy sent me a picture of what she woke up to this morning. snow. everywhere. you couldnt even see Pikes Peak from her window anymore. she has been in Colorado since the new years eve visiting nick in colorado springs. i miss her. i get to see her in a few days, and that makes me so so so happy. she got to see snow. tons of it. and that also makes me happy. im glad someone is getting to see some :) i'd like to go to colorado. i would like that a lot. and jackson hole, wyoming of course. then seattle and oregon. id like that. maybe one day. for now i will stay in anderson for one last semester and i will love and savor every moment of it.
its good to be back :)
I'm addicted, I'm needy,
I'm lost without you
I need you, I need you
Amazing grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I'm found
Was blind but now I see
i just wanna see.
-the almost
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