acknowledgements.

who knew that moving out could be so exhausting. i was not meant to do heavy lifting, that is for sure. all that is left in mine & kate's room, that is actually mine, is my dresser/mirror, my desk, & my clothes. the room is so empty now and barely feels like home (minus all 50000 pictures). it has been def physically exhausting. i thought it would also be emotionally exhausting, but it hasnt been at all. no crying. no sadness. just overwhelmed with the anticipation for a new beginning. God must have figured that he would give me a break from the emotional part, after surviving the past year. which i am very grateful for. i seriously wake up feeling strong, knowing i can make it through the day, through the move, through the changes. ive never felt that before. i am so thankful and so blessed that He has been bestowing that grace on me and continues to do so. it has made this process bearable and amazing. i can remember when He first told me to move out of 515 and i kept saying no... and he kept saying "trust me." i did. and He pulled through as always. why do i hesitate? that time. anytime. why? KNOWING He has what is best for me. ill trust a flawed person, but not the perfect creator who put the stars in the sky?!

is it just me, or have you ever looked back and noticed that there was a time when you were completely not yourself? i didnt realize it at the time. i felt normal at the time. i thought i was myself. how did i slip into this alter ego? not split personality, but i guess when you become so enthralled in something you lose yourself in a sense. i dont really even know the person i was for almost a year of my life. that is a scary thing. how did i lose control? oh wait. im not the one who is in control anyways. i put my identity in another person, instead of in Christ. i hated the person i became. at the end of the day i would think... why did i act like that? why did i say that? why did i make such a big deal about nothing? this is not me. but i kept living a lie as a stranger. who was that girl? i dont think it was the influence of anyone. i think that instead of dying to myself, i was living for myself. for selfish reasons. not for God. not to love others. not to be His hands and feet. i was living blindly. to see how miserable it made me. and the relationships it hurt and the things it destroyed. it was not worth it. i didnt gain anything. i was in it to gain whatever it was that i wanted. and i got nothing. not even an inch.

i move this weekend. its a new beginning. the real me.

wilksy & lins always tell me how i am going to write a book one day. wilksy asked me one day if i was going to mention her in the Acknowledge page. i wouldnt have it any other way :) lins called me tonight and told me that she reads my blog all the time. i was actually thinking to myself yesterday, does anyone even read this? i do it not just for myself, but also for others. how does she always know when i need encouragement? amazing. lins told me tonight that i have to write a book. and that she would be the first to buy it. she said my words are so powerful that they move her. i dont say these things to brag. i say these things so that you can see the hearts of two girls who i am so so thankful for. who are so encouraging. i am so blessed and loved. they are both so beautiful :) and i am glad they are my best friends.

and for a minute there, i lost myself. -panic at the disco

all my life i've looked at words as though i were seeing them for the first time. -hemingway